Love Is That Sync-ing Feeling

This subject has come up over and over again in the last week. And believe it or not, it's come up with more than five people in my life. But I'll start with one.

I have a girlfriend who is on her way to 40 and never been married. Let's call her Frida, since I'm staring at a photo of Frida Kahlo on the TV Guide. Frida thinks that having a baby is The Goal, that she has so much love to give and that she will receive all that love back as a result of giving it to this proposed child. She may be right.

She is a dating maniac, or, as I call my brother, a serial dater. Frida has a goal in mind, a position to fill and she's looking for someone to fill it: father. She wants to be a mom. So, she kind of interviews these guys, checks them out, checks them off, moves on to the next. Again, I do not stand in judgment, necessarily, with her methodology - I just wonder where the love went.

Frida also has a man in her life, we'll call him Diego, who has recently been soulfully connected with her, who would practically harness the moon for her. He does not want children, and he's sure enough about that that he got a vasectomy years ago. He's a good person, he just wants to work as hard as he can to be the best he can be and to love his life, and to share it with his companion/wife. He does not believe he can do this with kids in his house. And, thank god, he doesn't just do it anyway, because the world certainly doesn't need any more delinquents on the street; delinquents being created by persons who don't want kids in their house but have them anyway. Or think they want them and then find out that you have to take care of them 24/7 for at least 18 years. Right? Hey, it's my blog!

Frida is certain she loves Diego with all her heart but wants to have a kid. So she has decided to "find a father" and let this man go by the wayside. I guess she feels she needs part of her heart back, so she'll take it all. I asked her what she was going to do with the rest of her heart after she finds the father of her child. She says she'll consider giving it to him if he's worth half of what Diego's worth. Wow. Is it a tiny bit chilly in here?

I have another friend, what should we call her? How about Aveda, after the hand lotion on my desk. Aveda is married to...Tully. They have a great marriage, having traveled the world, skiing, surfing, homeowning, friending, caring, etc. Tully wants kids. Period. He was raised catholic, comes from a big family and believes it's his thing to do. Aveda is reluctant. She loves her husband tremendously, as does he love her, and they have what I would definitely want in a marriage - a true partnership with another human being. Very cool.

So Aveda tells me one day that because she loves Tully, she's agreed to get pregnant. But life isn't that easy, of course, and they have been trying to get pregnant for 2 years now. Everyone's been tested and everyone's fine and the extra ooompfs have been added to make the guys swim faster and the eggs drop farther but, nope, no go yet. They are about to start IV therapy, which is about $10K a pop and has no guarantee at all whatsoever.

And what, pray tell, has happened to their loving, thriving relationship? It's gone to hell in a handbasket. It doesn't appear to me that either one of them knows what result they're looking for anymore, other than the little "plus" sign after Aveda pees on the stick. No traveling, no parties in their home, no neighbor kids over for desserts that they used to try out and games to play afterward. No. It doesn't look to me like they even like each other any more. So even if they do get pregnant, they will not have the heart to do for each other or for their child what needs to be done - LOVE each other with all their hearts.

Interesting last minute observation: Frida had an abortion many years ago. And Tully's girlfriend in high school had an abortion too. When I ask either if they think this has anything to do with their hard-driving pursuit to have a child, that remorse might creep into this picture, that they think this could be absolution, both say - NO! Just no, then the conversation changes.

I'll leave you to draw your own conclusions on that one. But I'm here to tell you that it doesn't work anyway. I know.

My friends Aveda and Tully are hanging on by a thread these days. I know Aveda agreed to try until she was 45, but they've both become compulsive eaters and couch potatoes in their unhappiness. Aveda tried as best she could to encourage Tully to finish his degree online and get his teaching certificate - to become a grade school teacher and love as many children as the Power That Is would put through that school over the years and maybe stop the obsession for a "blue-eyed, redheaded version" of himself. Alas, he is too depressed now to even answer her. Where did the love go? I wish them well.

I read a statistic recently that married persons that decide to have a child before they are married at least 7 years have a 72% chance of ending up a single parent. The divorce rate is astounding.

I would like to think that if I fell in love with someone who did not want kids, it would be because this might not be my incarnation for motherhood. I tell you, I would like to think that if I had what my aforementioned friends once had, I would hang onto it and water it and nurture it and grow it and love it with all my willing soul. And hopefully I will one day.

Today I'm grateful to have been through what I've been through and to have come a little closer to knowing what I think love is. As my mom said in her last days in hospice, "It's all about relationships, it's all about love. That's It."