Bank of America Bites

Once a week, every single week, for the last year:

Ring...ring...ring...

"Hello?"
"Yes is David [xyz] there please?"
"No, he doesn't live here anymore. Who's calling?"
"May I speak with a Nancy [xyz] then?"
"This is actually THE Nancy [xyz]. Who's calling please?"
"This is Bank of America calling..."
"Do you have my file pulled up in front of you?"
"...I am required by law to tell you that we are calling in an attempt to collect a debt owed..."
"I know, I know, can you pull up my file please?"
"...in the amount of [fill in the blank], owed since..."
"I speak with you guys every week..."
"...January of 2009."
"...and tell you the same thing. Please just pull up the file..."
"Have we yet given you the numbers for HUD?"
"...and read it so you can - what?"
"The numbers for HUD and [some other gov't agency]"
"Yes, of course, you give them to me once a week. I've already got a workout in the works with BoA and if you'd just read my file..."
"I have that you are past due on your mortgage in the amount of [HELP]. What manner of payment will you be using today to remedy this delinquency?"
"Hahaha!"
"Hello? What credit card will you be using?"
"Listen, pull up my file and I'll talk with you. Just read it and I'll wait."
"We also accept certified..."
"READ IT. I'll wait."
"...bank checks and certified money orders."
"Well, I've been saving up my Welfare checks for a couple of months, will you take those?"
"Pardon me?"
"Listen, just a take a minute and read - ok. Here it is. We bought this house, my then-husband had a catastrophic illness 3 months later, wound up in a coma for four months, I lost my job, he's legally blind on a stomach tube now so obviously he lost his, I'm looking for work and not finding it, you gave me a Making Home Affordable loan and reneged on it and now I'm waiting to hear back from a woman who's handling our workout."
"I also wish to tell you that this call is being recorded for the purposes of..."
"HELLO!?"
"Well, that certainly doesn't stop the collection process. You are still in arrears."
"Have you ever heard of Lisa [abc]. She is working on our loan."
"I am not with the department that refinances. I am attempting to collect a debt."
"Do you guys never speak with each other?"
"The department you speak of is more than likely in Pittsburgh. I'm in Texas and I would like to know what form of payment you will be using today."
"Well, Texas explains a lot."
"Pardon me?"
"Nothing. Please hand me over to your supervisor if you're not going to read my file."
"All right, your file in now up on my screen. Oh. My. Well. May I put you on hold for a moment?"
"Need a little time NOW, don't we?"
"I'll be right back. Please hold."

**WTF, where do they get these jingles that play on a loop like this? Is there someone who studies these things somewhere, testing them on lobotomy patients to see if they play them over and over a hideous number of times they will be able to get them to fork over their life savings?**

22 MINUTES LATER

"Yes, Mrs. [xyz]? Are you still there?"
"Of course."
"I see that you were delinquent on your loan modification paperwork."
"Here we go. Are you listening?"
"Of course."
"... - You made a deal with us. You sent paperwork to me. It needed to be signed in front of notary. My ex-husband is severely disabled and I could not get him to a notary until the last day of the time period, which by the way was too short, like stoopid fresh, aight?"
"Pardon me?"
"Nothing. I called your number and spoke with Kathy. Do you know Kathy?"
"Maam, there are any number of people here who..."
"Oy, never mind! I told Kathy that the papers were going to be late by less than a day and she said, "GO GO GO," to the BoA by my house, have them signed, notarized, etc. So that's what I did. I had the guy fax them to you and I also Fed Exed the originals the same day."
"And?"
"And you cashed my first payment check but sent back the paperwork saying that it was several hours later than the cut off period so the deal was a no go."
"Right. How would you like to pay off your arrears."
"Don't you see the note in my file from Kathy saying that it's okay for the papers to be late?"
"Yes, I see the note. But we didn't honor it. How will you be paying today?"
"Give me your fucking supervisor."
"Please hold."

**Mindless Muzak Again**

"I sent a note to my supervisor with your situation. He is not in at the moment. I would advise you to call back our 800 number and speak with a supervisor in a couple of hours."
"Have you lost your mind? I'm not calling back the 800 number. I'll go postal - you have him call me."
"We don't do that maam."
"You just did. You just now are...never mind! Can I ask you, why did they cash my check for the new amount for the mortgage if the deal is off?"
"Well, maam, it is a check."
"You cashed it because it's a check? Like generically speaking?"
"It was a check made out to us. We cash those."

"What's your name?"
"My name is Mindy."
"Well then, bub-bye Mindy."
Click!!

Rinse and repeat next week. Today I am grateful to still be squatting in my own home.