waiting...waiting...ladidah

My friend Bob just wrote that his morning meditation stated: "Within our dreams and aspirations we find our opportunities." He went on then to say, "Apparently what I had in mind for myself wasn't big enough. (Again). This isn't a bad thing...I just don't have the answer...yet."

Oy. Well I'm in the same place and today it feels like a bad thing. I know feelings are not facts, but they're feelings all the same and I'm working as hard as I can not to finish off a one pound bag of Willy Wonka's Runts in pursuit of relief from my non-factoid sensations.

Here's what I'm waiting for: A call from the mortgage banker regarding my possible workout or impending foreclosure; a call about at least one job that I'm up for after not working for almost three years; a return call from the IRS; a call from a...guy; a spark of inspiration to go on with the book I'm writing, though lord knows I'm writing it anyway in as stilted a fashion as I've ever written, etc. There's more but I don't want to bore you. Or me for that matter!

With regard to the bank and the IRS, I have done all I can, or at least all that I know of, to clean up my side of the street and the results are going to be up to them and whatever it is that runs the Financial Universe. Oftentimes it doesn't feel like the same Higher Power that I'm acquainted with, am I right?

With regard to the ...guy, I am fully aware that whatever anyone thinks of me is none of my business and I certainly can't cause or control feelings in anyone, so...maybe I'm not aiming in the right direction again...? Do I really care about this particular ...guy, or am I bored?

With regard to the book I'm writing. Well, that's the way it goes, right? Look how long it's been since I've posted here, for god's sake. Sometimes it's there, sometimes it's not and in the times in between you just continue writing and wait for IT to be back so you can go back and clean it up, right? Thanks for listening.

Okay. Now. With regard to the j-o-b. This is where Bob's statement hits me right between the eyes and, although it makes me want to run screaming into the night, it also has the effect of a kind of loving warmth - the one where you know you're not alone trudging the road to happy frakking destiny. Yes, frakking, and I like it because I think it goes better with "happy" than "freaking."

I know, in my heart, that I don't aim high enough. I know this. I've been told this since the 1st grade. But I don't know what to aim at. Here's another of my favorite quotes:

"Aim at heaven and you will get earth thrown in. Aim at earth and you get neither."
C. S. Lewis

So, in my reasoning, if I could only figure out what's higher than heaven, I'd aim at it and everything would work out...peachy?

It's a tough economy right now, true, but it's a tough world for us underachieving potential overachievers. A lot of us have been coasting in neutral for so long that to crank it into second or third is going to hurt like the dickens and probably sound even worse. But I'm so willing to hurt and to sound like my gears are going to grind themselves into liquid. I just can't get a grip on the frakking gearshift!!

One more quote and I'm done. "You know what my problem is? My problem is that I can have absolutely anything I want - I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT!!" Alec Baldwin's character in Miami Blues.


I'm so grateful to have a tribe who lovingly and warmly knows what I'm talking about. Most of the time. Suggestions are welcome.