A Rad Life

The last five years have been about surviving. Surviving the shock, ravaging effects and aftermath of toxic illness, both physical and emotional. Surviving the drain of every penny of life savings, surviving unemployment, surviving foreclosure. Surviving a profound shift in what I see as "doing the right thing" in surviving long lines at the Department of Social and Health Services to collect my welfare and food stamps ("never in the history of our family has anyone stooped to living on the dole!"). Surviving the onset of deep humility in the asking and taking of help from friends and the disappointment of being outright refused by family. Surviving the separation and end of marriage and all the attendant complications that arise in becoming a single mother with a mean and bitter ex. And so on, and so on.

I've always been a pull-yourself-up-by-the-bootstraps kind of woman, having been raised by a backyard-bra-burning feminist, and have taken great pride in this. And while I certainly still respect her, and thank the gods that I could tap into her and all her strength and stamina when I've needed to, I think it's time for Wonderwoman to punch out for a nice long lunch.

It's time to stop surviving and start living.

What do I mean by this? Hell if I know, but you can be sure I'm committed to finding out. My guess is that it means lowering my shoulders and letting down my ever-vigilant guard. Stepping out of the well-protected bunker that is my comfort zone and taking new and different chances, learning new and different things. Seeing my life as it already is through a slightly different bend in the prism, maybe a pretty one this time. I mean, I'm always the one praying to see what's already right in front of my face, right?

I remember when Sasha started Kindergarten and they announced her little group as belonging to the Class of 2015. I thought that was hilarious, like 2015 was some unreachable, George Jetson kind of place in the outer reaches of time and space.

Well, hello 2012, you three-years-before-Sasha-graduates little year. You sure have caught me by surprise, creeping up so fast, but I swear, I'm ready for ya - and anything GOOD you have to dish out!