Best Interview Answers To Best Interview Practices

At the urging of a friend and former co-worker, I have agreed to post my answers to the aforesaid corporate interview questions (please see previous post, "Torturous Interviews With An Egomaniacal Entity") to underline the injustice of such arrogance:

Interview Question Number One:
Tell me about a time when you and another employee had a disagreement.
Well, there was this one time? When I was a carhop on rollerskates at A&W? And I got into a fight with another girl who worked with me about which burger was the best? Because I definitely think it was the Mama burger and she thought it was the Papa burger and she was so loud that I just wanted her to Shut Up so I grabbed her by the throat and pinned her up against the little shack where we got the food from? And then she kicked me between the legs and I accidentally let go and I rolled back over the curb and into the parking lot? Between the customer's cars? And then she like started to push off and roll after me? And, you know, it was that girl that we used to call "Roller Derby Hippo Legs" and she was big and coming at me fast so I landed a good one right below her ribcage? With my skate up, like this? And so she flew back and landed right on her butt next to the shack? And she couldn't breathe for a minute, so some customer just gets on out of their car and shouts - "Hey! Where the hell's my Mama Burger, you nutjobs?"

Okay. And how did this experience work out for you?
Well, you know, since it was the Mama Burger they were looking for, we both kind of thought it was a sign. From Jesus. Or maybe like Gandhi, I guess. So we both started laughing so hard with like tears and finished delivering our orders? And then we asked our boss if he could get us a six pack of tall boys? Because, we were, like, 16 and he was, like 22? So, we ended up having fun that day after all, for sure.

Interview Question Number Two
Tell me about a time when you had an idea to make things better.
Well, yeah, I guess that might be when I brought up in the manager's meeting at Barnes & Noble, you know, about the day before, when I ran after this really hairy guy who I had seen stuffing DVDs down his pants and then just walking stiff-legged out of the store toward the parking lot. You know, they tell you that you can't do that, like, chase after them and all but, hey, the guy was laughing to himself and talking to somebody who wasn't there and I thought he was a pretty easy mark, so I went for it. And I scared the bejongas out of him by shouting that they were all coming down on him if he didn't drop the merchandise NOW and, luckily I had thought ahead and brought along some tongs to pick up the DVDs with, because, ugh, they came down through his pant leg and I sure wasn't going to pick them up, right? So, anyway, I think we should be allowed to bend the rules for obviously crazy people, right? Like, I got the stolen merchandise back, right? I mean, who are the police gonna believe, me or him?!

And how was this idea received?
Strangely, they, I mean the other managers, laughed and shook their heads and I guess they thought I was just kidding. This happens to me sometimes. Huh...

Interview Question Number Three
Tell me about a time when you had to deliver negative information.
I remember there was this time? There was a guy who used to work for me, in like a customer service capacity, okay? And he had really, really awful, horrid breath, like every day. Okay, as if this isn't bad enough, he had really, unbelievably offensive taste in clothes! You know, they were always within the dress code but, come on already, he was old enough to know better, right? And I took it upon myself to sit him down finally and have a talk with him, because none of the men managers would and, I mean, somebody had to, especially about the one-piece jumpsuits. So I just told him, as painlessly and quickly as I could, that most of what he wore fell within the code but that it was what I would classify as "white trash," and that he was really setting a poor example for the younger college guys at work who were still trying to figure out who they were and who their signature designer was going to be. Then I suggested a designer that I thought would probably cut clothes big enough for him. Oh! And then I just added in, like as an aside, that he needed to brush his teeth and floss or I'd fire him.

And what was the result of this...meeting?
Well, he just remained a total mess. And, believe it or not - they wouldn't let me do another thing about it! So wrong! But what can you do? It is what it is, right?

Interview Question Number Four
Tell me about a time when you had to help someone when you were doing something else.
Oh my god, was this all the time or what? People, especially the Ladies Who Lunch from Laurelhurst, think that they deserve a free, personal shopper, right? Like I'm there to be their slave. And you smile and ask, "Can I help you find anything today?" while your arms are absolutely loaded with merchandise and the store is packed and they just think they are the hottest thing walking, okay? So you're supposed to just drop everything and help them find Every Single Thing on their list! And then, if it's not on the shelf, they want you to go to a freaking computer and order it for them and then they want it all personally gift-wrapped - BY YOU. I know part of it was that they were just jealous because my hair was naturally blonde and theirs was from some bottle. Jeez Louise!! New money can be so tacky!

And how did this work out?
Well, you know, they're never happy. What-ever!

Interview Question Number Five
Tell me about a time when you made someone feel good.
Oh my. Well, I don't know about that. I would never do that at work, you know...THAT! I just, you know, I have always thought that it was wrong to, like, fraternize with your boss or anything, you know...what if somebody walks in on you?(blush)

And so there you have it. I mean, you be the judge: fair or unfair. You do know I'm kidding, right? Today I am grateful to have people in my life who understand me and push me toward higher ground.