I Am A Lady, I Am!

Today I had a discussion I've been avoiding for a couple of years: divorce. The marriage lasted 15 years, the separation four, and the discussion today lasted just over two hours, which felt more like two and a half years, and left me feeling like I had just been worked over by an Eastern European personal trainer who had a secret vendetta to settle. A cardio-vascular nightmare romp through the minefields of wartime Yugoslavia with someone whispering in your ear, "you are responsible for the death of our entire country and you deserve not to die but to live on through all the agony this big palooka can dish out." I was left breathless.

A couple of hours ago I half believed him, with all the attendant tears, shame and self-loathing. What kind of monster am I? But then I remembered I was hungry and that I will believe just about anything when I haven't eaten. A chicken caesar saved my sanity today.

That and a little time with those who love me.

Over the past four years I have been psychically kicked in the stomach more times than I can count - humbled to the ground in what, at the time, seemed like the most bewildering ways - and found that every time, every single time, people came out of the woodwork to help me back up again. Many times, people that I was only peripherally aware of - mainly because most of my time and energy was spent trying to pretend to myself that all was fine, that I could settle for what I had if I only tried hard enough. To not have needs or wants or a life that was worth getting out of bed and stretching for.

Well, today I stretch when I get up. A lot. And I will continue to do so until I get all that's out there for me. And although that little whisperer still exists in the bad moments, at least they've become bad moments and are no longer bad days or weeks. Because I know that had I allowed myself to stay stuck that's what they'd be, and more - bad years.

And today proved something else - it's not the divorce that I've been avoiding, it's the fear of discussion of it with someone who doesn't love me and, from what I know of love today, has never known how.


Which leaves me tonight with a feeling of strength and gratitude. I'm strong enough to do what I need to, to have what I want, and to still be able to wish him well.

It is what it is, I am who I am, and for that I'm grateful.